Yesterday I sat on the couch thinking about all of the ways that I would like to improve myself.  I do this a lot, to tell you the truth.  I began (again) identifying my shortcomings and pondering ways to eradicate them.  This is probably a healthy thing to a degree, but I do it far too often and result in far too much discouragement. 

I told James I needed to go make a "Plan of Self-Improvement", because then I would feel like I had concrete direction from myself.  He responded, "Oh, like this one?  You start out in the Premortal Existence, you are born, you live your life on Earth doing great things and making mistakes and learning who you are, then you die, experience the Spirit World, resurrection, final judgment, and discover you are in one of God's 3 kingdoms of glory...preferably the Celestial one?"

I was quiet for a moment.  "....yeah, like that."

Lucky for me, someone reminded me yesterday that there is a plan for each of us.  It is the Plan of Salvation, the Plan of Happiness, really it is the Great Plan of Self-Improvement.  It is nice for me to know this and to think on it.  It brings me a good deal of peace.  Someone has a plan for me.

A chalk rendering of the Plan of Salvation, as done by Elder Gardner in Ukraine

Politically-passionate people give me hives.  Nevertheless, there is one politicalish thing that I do each year without fail.  I don't entirely know why I do it, other than the fact that Bethanys LOVE continuity and so of course it needs to always be done.   What is it I do?  I always, always, always watch the State of the Union address.

Now it isn't that I'm crazy politically-involved.  I like to vote and I like America and I like when we have political leaders that are nice and good (it does happen sometimes!).  I think I like it for another reason, too. Somehow it is unifying, despite how markedly we can see party differences and prejudices during the address.  It is unifying in that we watch it because we all hang onto our hope of improving the country and the lives of the citizens.  And so that is why I find myself watching tv by myself this evening (James is responding to his own political call of duty....yes, that call of duty).

And hey, no matter the president or the year or the issues, they always throw in a good word for teachers!  And we kind of like that a lot!

awesome picture by Melanie

twelve whole days

Now that James and I are all married and grown up (what?) I think this blog may become a little bit more valuable to me.  And to my mother....hi, mom!

I should like to post a bit more often about our goings-on and the fun/crazy/weird adventures that we have out here trying to be big cool adults.  I'm rather a bit a lot self-conscious about my blog and my posts and my writing style (hi, Katie!), but I confess that I still really like to share despite all of that nonsense.

So here we go.... posts are forthcoming.

And speaking of adulthood, are there any other 22 year-olds out there who feel like they might just be 12?  Any at all?  Well, maybe that is my lot in life....perpetual childishness and an utter refusal to grow up.  This may make me seem a little self-centered, kind of haughty, and a bit infantile....but I'm okay with that.... (well, sort of), because Bethany is just doing her best.

And at least James likes that. 

p.s. we've been married for twelve whole days!

i have a hard time with my blog

Lots of times I hate it, and sometimes I like it a lot.  Lots of times I write a great post only to delete it ten minutes later.  I think it is because I like the idea of sharing and I like the idea of writing and I like the idea of a random place to record random whatevers....but whenever I try to write a post I feel bombarded by what other people must be thinking of me.  In high school I affectionately called this idea Bethany's Imaginary Audience. They were kind of an obnoxious, critical, self-important lot.  When I came to BYU and learned all sorts of fascinating things about human development and Piaget and Elkind, I renamed them my adolescent egocentrism. 

I'm 21 now (a bonafide adult!) and I still can't seem to shake them.  So now I'm just sort of an inverse egotist who underexaggerates personal ability and merit. It is a little bit ridiculous, and has been for some time, so I propose a change.  A movement!  A revolution to become better!  To become kind and selfless and empathetic, to disband my worries, and to be not so very conceited.

owl eyes

For some reason this time of year always reminds me of The Great Gatsby.  Perhaps that is only because it was about this time 5 years ago that we were to have read it in 11th grade Honors English. Or perhaps it is because Nick (who was always my favorite character) moves to West Egg in the late Spring of 1922 and it is something of a springboard for the futile interchange of Tom, Daisy, Gatsby, Jordan, Nick, and Myrtle. 

Or it could possibly be that I am simply thinking on The Great Gatsby because of how it demonstrates a sort of cynical and cyclical version of what is past. I may or may not be a little bit cynical about life just now.  I may or may not feel like I am going in circles. Ever felt like that yourself? Ever wondered just where you needed to look for just a little bit of respite?  I'm not sure if Gatsby has the answer to that one, as I never felt entirely satisfied with the ending (betrayal, murder, suicide).  I guess with Gatsby the answers to the questions do not come at the end, they come throughout the tale as the plot unwinds and rewinds and forwardwinds.  Perhaps some of them aren't even there.

And maybe that is how it is with life too.  In fact, if we only looked for answers at the end or at the beginning, we would likely miss the wisdom of the middle pages and the pages that no one has written yet.

good people and a birthday wish

I's is grateful for people. Good people who try to be good because they know that, truthfully, it is good to be good. Everyday I battle it out as Good Bethany engages Evil Bethany is aggressive hand-to-hand combat. Sometimes it may escalate into a good old-fashioned knife fight with machetes and titanium blades, but, no worries, GB usually squeaks through and gets the upper hand somewhere in there. 

An over-concern with being good leads me to be tremendously thankful for the opportunities that I have to associate with good people, and it seems I have had those in abundance lately.  Here are a few:

Papanwa: My papsy is the kindest in the world, and always asks me how my day is, how school and teacher-prep are, how James is, and how Bethany is.  I know sometimes I may appear a little frustrated when I don't know how to answer all of those questions (or when the answers cause me to sigh), but I appreciate you asking anyway.  

The CFA who shares my name:  I know I just met you this semester, and you could be more interested in your last-semester cohort students (heck, they are more interesting), but thanks for noticing me, and thanks for placing faith in me.  Thank you for noticing my attempts to "step it up" and "grow" from scary teaching experiences.  I'll keep trying to make those attempts because I know you are coming on Tuesday to observe (and rate) my profusion of teaching skills.  At least I know you'll always do it with love.

Dear Bre: You've been cracking me up since junior high, I've always thought you the epitome of grace and refinement with that harp of yours, and I recently discovered how much of a blessing it is to confide in you. Thank you for your listening ear, your thoughts, your experience, and your testimony.  Oh, and thanks for your posts of your cute widdo guy; they always make me smile.


To the owner of the Facebook page that I stole this quote from:  "Enough had been thought, and said, and felt, and imagined. It was about time that something should be done."  -C.S. Lewis.   Golly, thanks.


And, of course, to James:  You are yourself, and you are good.  You tell me I can do and survive anything.  You're a listener, you're patient, you're kind, you're here.......and (deep breath).....today is your birthday!

Have a happy one :)